BEFORE THE WORLD

really im looking for a girl i can treat right

cuz ive scorned so many i keep one eye open when i sleep tight

i dont claim to be a player, all i claim to be id a simple man

who does what i can, and whos tired of fucking these one night stands

but still. we coulda had soemthing, you and me

but you were creeping on facebook mac, no PC

then i run up and saw is name on the tv

Armed and dangerous known drug dealer is all i can see

and im scared for you because you say you love him

and i see you kiss him and hug him

and he truns around and is getting them hundreds

but in the wrong way

thats all im trying to say

but no matter what you dont believe me

when we were kids i’d want to give you everything that you would want 

those other boys they gave you toys, 

but all they wanna do is keep up keep up, keep up, 

keep up that’s all i want, keep up keep up with me, 

keep up keep up keep up, keep up, keep up that’s all i want, 

keep up keep up with me, keep up

i know you too well 

to think you dont know im right

i gotta ask, is this just to hurt me 

or do you just wanna fight

cuz while were datewing thats all we would do

i know im a fool

and truth be told i miss you

but i cant

it aint going to be this way

you lost me, i lost you

who cares two lears later i still dont know what to say

if i could rewind time, so i could get mine

ill be yours, youll be mine,

things would be just fine

but they cant be

not betwen you and me

anyway

i guess it just wasnt meant to be

and thats ok

but its not ok

i guess i lost my concentration

a skeet skeet skeet; no masturbation

all over her face

im sorry

let me apologise

about the incident with 

you know what nevermind

yea…yea man, ill be fine

just hit me in the right way. Honest and…just…yea…

I’d like to say that you’re my only fear, 

And when I dream, it slowly disappears, 

And when I wake, I’m right here by your side,

To feel your heart beat in and out of time. 

Out of time.

When I dream, 

I feel your heart.

When I dream, 

I’m out of time, 

I feel your heart.

When I dream, 

I’m out of time, 

I feel your heart.

When I dream, 

I’m out of time. 

Do you feel like you’ve lost everything you can lose? 

This is it, can you hear me? 

When you cry do your tears ever chill up the room? 

Calling out in a moment of need. 

Do you ever lay awake with the look in the eye? 

Asking God if a wish is too big to deny.

I will offer a line, and it’s ready for use. 

Let me know, are you ready for me?

Kinda abstract, but I’m getting better..

i see the winter rain

as it tumbles to the ground

i keep staring straitgh ahead

feeling no one around

as i close my eyes

i see the path before me

i walk the road covered in lies

the truth is nowhere to be found

i steal a glance at my past

all the misery and romance 

taking form behind a veil of shadow

no one dares go where I go

into the void the darknes and the pain

and stumble allong as I scream out gods name

you have left me here you have taken me, forsaken me

and cast me on the ground

like Lucifer threw me down

have I not live the way you wanted me too?

have I not done what you wanted me too do?

Am I not one of your children too

the road is long but I know I gotta

walk the path laid out by my father

i once ruled al i sought after

but now Al I got is this moonlight sonata

i dont look back o walk straight ahead

thinking about the life I have lead

and all i have done

looking into my soul

bruised battered broken, but bold

and hardend from the fire

and all the dire 

choices i must make

and concquences i must face

the take me and push me

thery shove me to the ground

i pick myself up and turn back arond

and keep on walking 

because i know in the end 

all thats done is done 

and whats sin is sin 

and whats not is not

i lives my based in what I got

the moon is pale and dark in the sky 

it casts shadows everywhere i try

to shine the light in amongst all my family and friends

tey see nothing but the darkness

shinging from a lamp

i dont have a chance 

for retrobution

but enven then i pray and hope and wish this was an illusion

ill wake up some day 

and see the bright light of gods shiming rays

cureing me reviveing me 

puting his love and hope inside of me

theres got to be some way out of this

theres gotta be

theres gotta be

the road is long but I know I gotta

walk the path laid out by my father

i once ruled al i sought after

but now Al I got is this moonlight sonata

if theres still a ruler with a mighty iorn fist

then i gotta just learn to exist

and not take it all for granted

this is my life, my planet

its what iwant it to be 

and more i just couldnt see

this is all there is 

no more no less 

its just me

and everyone else around

no god no heaven heven no hell

nothing just us alone

this is us being

who we are and 

fighting to be who we should be 

fuck it, ill just let it be

and well all go back into the sea

i just cant keep this shit inside of me

let no one else come and take it away

this is our life our day were here to stay

be there a god or devil or heaven or hell

no more commandments or lives to sell

offerings to be made in your name

church every sunday 

praying for health

fighting back tears through pain

or sacrafice to the one god in all our lives 

the killing the suffering personally, politically, economically, socially

demographiclly,

sunni shi’te, muslum, catholic 

all fighting for the same 

to stop the pain

but doing all the slayin

and i say if your real

then your the one to blame

the road is long but I know I gotta

walk the path laid out by my father

i once ruled al i sought after

but now Al I got is this moonlight sonata

I wrote this shortly after I broke up with #3

I haven’t shared much of what I wrote about her because, well…i tried a lot of new things…and I mean’t to give some of it to her. But…its not like its going to happen. espically not right now. So, of to the inter-webs it is!

And again I wake in the middle of the night

with thoughts of you floting in my mind

like your heart was next to mine 

beating the same rythem; keeping time

synchronise

heart, body, soul, mind

and as I feel the peace slipping down

the hapiness finally comming round

i fall away and realise

your no longer at my side

and what ive invisioned was a lie

what was once alive

will no longer survive

but i know deep inside

no matter how i try to hide

i love you

plain and simple

no matter what

from now, to the end of time.

Just lamenting my love life.

set to the tune of  ”Drop The World” by Lil’ Wayne Ft. Eminem.

Numbers

#8

Im sorry for all that I have done 

but more than that i wish i caould have

been the one

but forget that

lets just remember the fun

late nights taking

waiting for your call and

just to hear your voice and

to see you again

to feel you again

i thought you meant it when you said

we were more than friends

but you couldnt have it 

you locked it up put it in the attic

and wont open up that box again

youll deny it as long as you can

but one day youll see 

that you lost soemthing great

but, its too late

im gone

you lost me

and you expect me not to be mad?

whatever, i understand

but i still wanna

pick the world up and drop it on your fucking head

you screwd me over and took all the love i had

Im a nice guy, or so im told 

but now ive turned stone cold

ill take of now

cuz you refuse to learn

and wait for the day my love is returned

its not like i wanted it to be this way

i guess in the end i got nothing to say

except

#2

you were once my one and only

no one could take you from me

or so i thought

untill the day i cought

you hanging around that dude

you dont know what you got yourself into

drug dealer, liar, cheat and a steal

the list goes on but no matter what i cant appeal

i left you because i couldnt deal

wit the one tme he goes to far

and wants your life to steal

so

ill pick the world up and drop it on your fucking head

you screwd me over and took all the love i had

Im a nice guy, or so im told 

but now ive turned stone cold

ill take of now

cuz you refuse to learn

and wait for the day my love is returned

its not like i wanted it to be this way

i guess in the end i got nothing to say

except

 want 

#1

i meant it when i said i loved you

but no matter what it wont get thru

i respected my feelings and made a choice

its not your fault i just couldnt ignore that voice

inside my head teling me its not time yet

but you found a mate and you fell in love again

only problem is your fucking around with other men

and screwd someone else over

and now hes fucked for live

cuz you take al the time

and were so nice we give twice

but you never give back

even those you love cant get that

now your scared

to meet me

cuz you know that I see

everything you want to be 

you need to see what I see

and not take my words so lightly

all i want to do is help

because ive felt what you felt

its just the cards ive been delt

your the only one i truly owe an apolygy to

because what i did was wrong

but its been too long

and it dosent matter anyway

ill see you some other day

and youll cry and ill laugh

cuz i see right through your act

but you wont admit i still care about you

it just wont get through

so

ill pick the world up and drop it on your fucking head

you screwd me over and took all the love i had

Im a nice guy, or so im told 

but now ive turned stone cold

ill take of now

cuz you refuse to learn

and wait for the day my love is returned

its not like i wanted it to be this way

i guess in the end i got nothing left to say

Some people say that it’s when you’ve given up hope everything ends. I’m not sure if I think that’s true. I think that when hope is lost is when it ends. Unless you go searching for it. If you go searching for it you can either loose yourself in trying t find it, or find it and hope that its not too late. Hope is kinda like a pet in that respect. If it escapes and finds a new home then your pretty much fucked. In the same vain it can come back to you. Long after you think its gone, perhaps even you’ve replaced it and it just…comes waltzing back thru the door. Like nothing happened, a little scrawnier than before, perhaps, a little roughed up, but is there. And what are you going to do? Throw it out on the curb because you have another? I don’t know about you, but that just seems heartless to me. I could never do that. You try to have them get along. But what if they don’t? Your left with a choice. You cant stay where you are. The fighting’s too much. You choose. And hope for the best. And once you’ve made the decision you pray its the right one. If it is…good then. If it isn’t…it isn’t. And your stuck again with a choice. Make the best of it because your too proud to admit you were wrong, or save yourself and hope someone will catch you when you fall. You choose. And hope for the best. And once you’ve made the decision you pray its the right one. If it is…good then. If it isn’t…it isn’t. And you pick up the broken pieces and you put them back together as best as you can, and you try to find the hope again. Until you give up. That’s when it ends. When you’ve given up hope. And you sit there with the broken pieces cutting, staining your hands offering them to passers by. Anyone who crosses your path. Anyone who crosses your pitiful existence. Until someone feels moved to sorrow and tries to help. Washes your hands. Taking out the shards of your sick, pathetic existence, and uncovers the stains of your past. you offer them. They are you now. They are all you have left. They choose. And hope for the best. And once they made the decision you pray its the right one. If it is…good then. If it isn’t….

Sees the pink stars float across the room. Understands how the unicorn feis. Death unto all sweet bairns, so loving and kind. The rock moves closer as the music swirls around in joyful song. Jubilation for all queen-plums. Seeking soft and quiet slumber in the silence of the cattle womb. They whisper secrets and speak lies to him. No one knows. No one yields. They do the binding obediently. Obediently. Confidently. I see them cross, they tell me to run. To cut. Vaporize the decent into the madness that is sanity. The madness that is sanity. Forever more the madness that is sanity. His mind the sancuary that is penetrated by the one who’s phallus does not exist. The three but one. All but none. Our time has come. For all us to see who we truly are. Serial Killer: The musical. Cherubim and serialize all of the love that is love. That is love. Off the Diva cliff into the rocky splits beneath crashing waves on the ceiling. Blood pouring into my seat. Filling it up. All anointed. All one. For that is the way of the lord. The way of the lord. See we one as two and three as many. Jumping cat over my sleep sitting lowly cattle shead. Lulee, lullay. Thou little tiny child. Bye-bye lulee, lullay.

My first attempt at verse. I think ima stick to prose from now on. This is hard….

A little birdie told me long ago

to let go of everything I ever know

took me by the hand

leads me to a land

a place I couldn’t understand

and now the birdies gone

I’m lost and don’t know right form wrong

I just cant help the thought

I’m lost and I cant go on,

no I cant go on.

A little birdie told me long ago

to take hold of everyone I want to know

so that one day I could truly show

just how good it feels to be real

now the carpets all torn up

theirs nothing left her but the dust

and the remnants of a live

still full of torment and vice

no house left to call a home

there’s nothing left here but the bones.

I little birdie told me long ago

to to take hold of my heart, but let it grow

into something new

into something true

into something anyone can do

because anyone can make it

and anyone can break it

it was just pure luck

that that one happened

to be you.

A little birdie told me long ago

to shut down to not let my emotions show

so that I can truly see whats going on

so I can truly sing my songs

but I see the world doesn’t work like that

the shadows gone and it wont come back

if you take what makes me me

then there’s nothing left for me to be

I would just be an empty shell

filled up with all that used to be real

now their’s no point in staying here

with just the darkness that draws so near.

A little birdie told me long ago

to stop, not destroy all that I let grow

but the force was just to great

I killed all I wanted to create

and the little birdie is no more

I just didn’t realize

I’d done the same thing before

now I seem doomed to wait

for another friend to

help me change my fate

but I’ve been gone for far too long

there’s no one, now that my birdies gone

I cant stay, I can’t be helped

In the end I have no one to blame but myself.

I lied. this is going into the play.

difficult new years.

hard year ahead. Perhaps Ill find peace now.

Relapse part 2

whats going on man?

I dunno

what do you mean you don’t know?

I don’t know.

About what?

Everything.

What do you mean everything?

Its been six months

so?

I still care

why?

Because….I don’t know. I just do.

Are you gonna be ok?

Truthfully? Yes. Realisticily, no.

I see. Do you want to move on?

What was my last answer?

(confused) Truthfully, yes. Realisticly, no?

Exactly.

Oh.

(long pause)

I’ve started writing again

really? You don’t sound too happy.

I’m not.

Why not?

Because writing admits that the emotions are still there.

You don’t want them to be.

no.

why?

She still doesn’t understand

what do you mean?

She doesn’t understand the concept that I love her. I don’t think she knows what love is anymore.

She did at one point?

Yea.

Why is it so hard to believe she found love in someone else?

Because hes not going to be there.

What do you mean.

I can see it. When everything is over, hes not going to be there with her. If they ever break up, shes going to go, and hes going to go, and they’ll never see each other again.

So?

Well…I will

(he looks puzzled)

I mean, if we give it another try, if we try it out again, and it doesn’t work….I’ll still be there.

You’ll still care

Yea.

He wont?

When it comes down to it, no, I don’t think so.

What’s your problem with this guy? Is this all that bothers you about him?

No. well, kinda. (Pause) I think that hes immature. To an extreme degree. She likes that hes a bad boy and that hes shown her an emotional side that few witness. That may be true, but I still have this…feeling hes going to mess it up.

How so?

Well…like what happened with his last girlfriend. They went out for four years, then, she comes along and the drops her, just like that. Don’t get me wrong, they have had problems, but…if something “better” comes along. I don’t want her to get hurt.

You really love her.

Yea. You should know. Everyone I’ve talked to has told me that its real. That’s one of the reasons this is so hard to give up. In the past six months, everyone, EVERYONE including you has told me that there’s truth to what I am saying. And more so, every relationship all seven, that I’ve tried to get into have crashed and burned before they’ve begun.

Every one?

Yes. Weather its them telling me, you shouldn’t because of this situation, or because of my own stupidity, every single one has crashed and burned. Totally.

Damn, man.

There was one I thought something might happen with. Fate seems to like to crush me. The day I was going to ask her out on a real date her boyfriend-for-whom-she-has-a-thing-for shows up, and I never hear from her again. To this day.

Damn, dude, that’s rough.

Why cant I do this?

What?

Why cant I just forget?

You’ll never forget.

Thanks. Your a real help.

Sorry….its the truth.

(Really long pause)

so, what happens now?

I don’t know, man. I truly don’t know.

CURTIAN

A Play I wrote for my own therapy, I never finished it. And And I don’t think I ever Will.

About Face

Notes:

there are no rules to this play.
Any gender, any age can play any part.
Scenes marked with an A are the main character and a friend.
Those scenes marked with a B are the main character and his love.
Scenes not marked are the main character delivering a monologue to the audience

A. The Exposition

How long has it been?
Three months
(Beat) Have you told her?
(Beat) I tell her everything.
Does she understand?
Understands, but comprehension?
She dosn’t see what it means?
I don’t think she does.
Are you sure?
Shes smart enough to, but she’s unwilling.
Why?
Scared. I destroyed her. I see the mistake, but, I’m trying to fix it. I don’t think she sees it.
Why not?
She doesn’t want to admit that she still loves me. She has started to move on, like she should, but here I am, bringing feelings up that she thought she took care of.
Did she?
no. but shes hurt. And scared. She cant get hurt again.
Would you do that?
Never. I made my mistake. I can’t do it again. Ever.
Perhaps she needs to make her own mistake?
Perhaps she does, but, (Beat) I’m not sure if I can be there while she does it. And I cant guarantee ill be able to stand the wait.
You truly love her don’t you?
More than I ever thought possible. (Long pause, Beat) I’m just not sure what to do.
I don’t blame you, truth be told, I wouldn’t know what to do.
(Faux Joking, but still playful) Big fucking help you are! (Beat, He breaks down) I don’t know what to do!
Don’t worry, it’ll be okay.
(Beat)You don’t know how lucky you are.
Oh, believe me, I do, I thank the stars every day for what I have. I know how rare this is. If she gives this up, shes a fool.
What if I’m the fool?
Your following your heart. You have to be a fool, that’s the only way any of this will work.
(Beat) How can you always do that?
Do what?
You know just what to say to make me feel better.
You feel better?
No, just, less alone.
Your never alone. I’m always here.
You really have no idea how much that means to me.
You’ve helped me through everything I’ve been through since I met you. Its the least I can do.

The pain #1

There’s only one way to describe this pain: love. It the only word that means unmitigated happiness and utter despair in one syllable. Its balanced on the needles edge a feather to tip the scales, and toss everything into oblivion, poof. (Beat) And where do you go from there? You tell me. You’ve spent months, sometimes years building up to this point, and is it all for naught? It is? Well great! Now- Fucking-what?! The logical step would be to move on. No, excuse me, the logical path would to not get involved with this, this, “love” business to begin with. Well too late. Yah. Exactly. But still, what now? That depends, is there any chance for vindication? No? Well then your fucked. Plain and simple. Move on. Go somewhere. Hey, go to Vegas! Live in Vegas? Go to South Dakota, what do I care? The point is: Don’t Think About It. Easier said than done, right? Truth is? There is no easy way. No chance in hell. You’ve worked so hard to get here. So hard. It’s not just going to let you off the leash, you cant just go cold turkey, no, its gotta be like heroin. You gotta be a junkie, ween yourself off of it,  weeks, months of slowly taking it down. Your Done! Finally out of the death grip that is love, you feel like a new person, turn around and get hooked on crack and go through the same fucking thing over again. Goddamn, don’t you just love the way we’ve developed into this creature, like, when did love come in  the developmental scale we went from a single celled amoeba to a creature capable of preforming complex tasks and insane mental theorems. At which part did love come in? Which back-firing cell decided love, what mutation led to this feeling? Its ingrained into every cell in our body’s. You can feel it in your heart, that little flutter, yah. You can feel it in your stomach, butterflies, is the term. You can feel it in your extremities, the way they feel light, floaty, after you’ve seen them. (to himself, remembering the feeling, and the situation) The way you can feel every inch between you and them.  The way your mind wakes up with their image burned into your retinas. The way you can feel their heartbeat hundreds of miles away. The way you can synchronize your breathing to theirs. The way you feel like a piece of you is missing every time you leave them The way your very being, your soul yearns for them whenever there away. The way you just know when they need you. The way you know you (Beat) love them. (Beat) What is love? Is this love? Love. (Beat) I don’t know anymore. Is it love without the returning gesture? no. it cant be. Love has to go both ways. (Beat) no, this isn’t love. This is pain. It has to be. Mental pain? Can mental pain manifest itself physically? I haven’t eaten for three days, because every time I do I feel sick. But I guess it doesn’t mater. I’ve lost the will to eat. (Beat)  (Beat) god, we truly are amazing creatures. We can fight against all hope for what we know is right, spend months, years fighting for the truth (Beat) but get nowhere. (Beat, to himself) we push, and push, and push, but every time we get a little farther ahead someone pushes it back. We fight for what our hearts know is right, we fight for happiness, we fight for truth, we fight for (Pause) love. (Beat, To audience) but what do we do when it’s no use, when she gives up, we choose to put ourselves on that line its scary, but, (Beat, To himself) every time she looks at me, every time she says my name. Every time I think of her. (Beat) I’m too late. I knew I was. (Beat, To audience) but how am I supposed to move on? I cant leave this much emotion, I cant just put it on the wayside, I can’t do this. (Beat, pleading, to audience) I’m not strong enough. (Beat, to himself, realizing its a lost cause) I’m not strong enough.

Curtain

B. Voices #1

Because theres no other way of saying it.
Why?
Why what?
Why is there no other way?
Because.
Because why?
Because I said so. You try doing it!
Well…..I…..
See!
Well….yes…..I suppose…..
Why even use it, after all, its only a word….
Its not only the word, its more how you say it, who you say it too.
Who do you say it to?
Me?
Yes.
Those who need to hear it.
(pause)
What day is it?
Sunday. I think.
Sunday? I thought for sure it was Saturday.
Then why did you ask?
Because. Conformation.
Well, you didn’t get it. What are you going to do now?
I….I…don’t know. What can I do?
What can you do.
I could cut off completely.
You could? I find that hard to believe.
You have no faith in me?
Its not you that I need to have faith in.
Then where have you placed your faith?
Right there.
Where?
There.
Wheres there?
Here.
Here?
Yes.
But a moment ago you said it was there!
It is there.
Then how can it be here?
How can it?
Yes.
How can  it?
It cant. Unless there is here, but that’s just preposterous!
Really? How so?
Well, if here is there, how can there be here?
What if they’re just words?
Just words?
Yes, what if their meaning is completely random?
Then I could say that the word there means here?
Yes.
So then what does here mean?
I don’t know. What do you think?
Apple.
So here means apple?
Yes.
Why?
Be…..Because.
Really?
Yes. Anyway, it doesn’t matter, you said it yourself. It more about how you say it than what you say.
How so?
Well, I can say apple as if I’m angry, but I can also say the word here as if I am angry.
I, guess so.
I can also tell you exactly what I’m feeling by looking into your eyes.
Yes, well, you’ve always been able to do that.
I guess so……
You have. Always.

A. Help

I’m not sure what to do.
Are you ever?
Its bad this time
why?
I cant see it in her eyes.
(Beat) are you sure?
(Beat) I, I don’t know. I’m not sure if I’m looking too deep, and, I know she cares. Its just, (Beat) I can’t see it anymore.
Have you told her?
Kind of.
(Beat) what do you mean?
I mean. (Pause) Not directly.
But you know she cares. I know its horrible for me, I still think theirs hope.
Think?
Its all I can do.
(Beat)
What are you going to do?
I need to tell her.
Tell her what?
How I feel.
What if she says she can’t do it?
(Nothing)
you really care, don’t you?
More than I ever thought possible.
Has she ever said she hasn’t?
No, but like I said, she does care.
How do you know?
I can (Beat) I could see it in her eyes. (Beat) Shes turning more and more like this guy she talks about
what do you mean?
She said the reason she couldn’t commit was that she was changing. She doesn’t know what into, but she is changing. I can see it. But, shes changing more like this guy, and farther away from me. And she fucking knows nothing long-term will happen. She fucking knows it!
How can you tell?
Because if she does, that means I don’t know her and, (Beat) I cant take that. That would destroy me. And, as wonderful as you are, I don’t think anyone would be able to help me. (Beat)
(Beat) ill always be here. Okay?
(Beat) I know (Beat) she wants this though.
How do you know?
I can see it. Why would she be keeping me on this leash if I didn’t have somewhere to go?
Is she just trying to keep you as her dog?
I (Beat) No. She wouldn’t do that.
Why not?(Quickly) I agree with you, but, why not?
Shes not that type of girl. If there was no chance I would have seen it, and she wouldn’t be keeping me here.
Then why is she keeping you here?
She wants it.
She won’t admit it.
She needs to.
But she wont.
She will, otherwise there’s no reason to be keeping me like this.
(Beat) Are you sure this is the best option?
It has to be. The only other is to stop and I cant do that.
But you cant stay like this.
I know I cant. (Beat) its destroying me. (Beat) its destroying her.

A. The end

She threw in the towel
what?
Shes done. I got tired of waiting and asked her flat out. “the damage is done. Forgive but never forget. This isn’t worth it. Killing what remains of a once amazing friendship.” (Beat)
Are you ok?
No.
Is there any chance?
No. Not now.
What do you mean?
This isn’t the last time were going to be in this position.
Really?
Shes going to figure out what she gave up and shes going to want it back.
Yah.
The problem is (Beat) I’m not sure if ill still be here. I cant guarantee ill feel the same way, or that I can act on my feelings. And she still wont give me straight answers. I don’t know what to do. I’ve never been put in this situation.  I’m so used to knowing everything. I hate making decisions without knowing all the variables. She wont tell me how shes feeling so all I can do is guess. I hate guessing. I hate guessing.
What else can you do?
I (pause) I cant. this is all I can do. I mean, this is better than hanging, but still. (Beat) I want to be her friend. But I’m not sure how I can. I don’t want to ruin this friendship. (Beat) I can’t ruin this friendship. She’s become an essential part of my life. I go home every day and talk to her. I tell her everything. All the small. All the large. All my problems. Everything I did that day, and (Beat) I don’t feel like I get anything back anymore. I know last night she was with him, but (Beat) she wouldn’t even tell me where she was. I had to guess. How can she say she cares when she wont even tell me where she is?
(Beat)I, I dunno.
That’s the problem. I’m not sure if she cares. I haven’t heard any hint of remorse since any of this happened. She just sits there, closed off to everyone. Shes falling and I cant catch her. She wont let anyone help her. I made a promise to myself. I’ve been there. I’ve seen how dark the abyss can be. I cant let someone I love as much as her do that to herself. I think that’s the worst part. The simple fact that shes doing this to herself, and that all I can do is sit quietly by while she slowly kills herself. Its destroying me.
(Beat) What will happen when she comes back?
(Beat) It’s not a matter of when she comes back. Its a matter of if she comes back. And if she does, im not sure she’ll even have the capacity to love anyone, much less me. How am I supposed to be her friend through all this if she wont talk to me. If she wont care enough to keep this friendship going. She says she wants to be friends, but, how can that be? She has thrown away all feeling. How can she care?

Prose #1

Over the sea I look, searching for the faintest glimmer of hope, a cool breeze,  a soft wind, anything to sway the torment of this most malicious place. I’m trapped by walls unseen, by cages  unbarred, by neither man, nor beast, nor angel, nor daemon. I’m am trapped by one thing and one thing only. Love.  It keeps its hand, iron, over me. It keeps it’s will, steel, over me. It makes me wake in the night, shivering, sweating, chills running down my spine in the dead of summer because I can not see my way through its cold stone passageways mirrors on every door locks on every window. And a roof so high I could see god himself from the depths of hell I have locked myself in. the world itself seems slightly darker. The sky looks a pale blue, almost as if it was sickly, as if the sky had taken ill. The sun seems to shine no more, the moon dulls itself to my gaze whence it burned her image into my face. And she still shines. She still looks upon my saddened face. And I still see the glimmer of hope she wishes to hide with all her being. Thou hast me in thy grasp fully, a web I cannot surpass. My faye. M’lady. My love.

Prose #2

The world shakes. It stops. Quietly, a little man gets up from his easy chair walks, simply, to a small crank-shaft attached to the side of nothing. He cranks it once. Twice. Nothing happens. He tries again. Once. Twice. Nothing. He hobbles over to a small notebook makes a note and sits back down in his chair, he knows what has happened, he is all to firmilliar with it, and although the world doesn’t stop often, he knows there is nothing he can do about it. He must let it be, the world will start spinning again when it feels the need. He knows all to fully that someone has fallen in love. And the world wont move until its over.

Chronicles Of A Fallen Angel: Redux

I think I am the furthest down the rabbit hole I’ve ever been. I don’t have thoughts of suicide, I don’t have the complete emptiness I felt, oh, yes, its there, but its not the grasping sullenness that I’ve come to accompany the darkest hours of my being. It’s the pure and utter apathy I feel towards everything. I can’t feel anything. I cant take pleasure in anything anymore. For example: I had a steak last night. I bought the best steak you could get at the supermarket. I rubbed it with cracked pepper and a little salt, then I cooked it to perfection on a wonderful grill I inherited from my father, who, incidentally taught me how to cook a steak. I sat down. Just that steak and me. I took a piece, lifted to my lips, and took a bite. It was the best steak I’ve ever cooked. I knew it in my mind, but, I couldn’t feel it. I cant feel anything. Happiness, sadness, only fleeting moments of anger and pain remain. Nothing else. In any other situation, if I had lost any of my feelings I would be mortified, my life revolves around feeling everything around me. I cant feel anything. If this was any other time I would be scared shitless, but, I cant be. I cant even fucking feel scared! I don’t even know if this is apathy. This is the darkest part of hell I have had the misfortune of stumbling upon. This, my friends, this, this is truly nothing.
There have been two attempts thus far to completely remove emotion from the human race. The first was a man named John Rutter -Smith he spent his whole life trying to keep his own emotions out of every decision he ever made. He treated everyone, more or less the same way. (Mimicking an interaction with an invisible partner) “Hello Sir” or “Hello Madam” nothing more, nothing less just a non-threatening, well, non-anything greeting. If, in fact he was ever involved in a conversation in which he was asked “How he was” he simply replied “I’m Me”  The second was with a drug that was supposed to prevent the synapses from connecting, is was specifically invented so that people who had anger-management issues could just take a pill and it would all be better. They couldn’t feel angry, but in practice it seemed to remove the connection between all synapses causing, well, death. But I believe I have perfected the art of feeling nothing. All you have do do is love foolishly. “the story of a man who loved not wisely, but too well.” (Chuckle) Well, he got it right. Thanks Will, if only I’d listened.

Prose #3

Fate can be a cruel thing. It can point you in the right direction, but in the end its your decision. It can push you to do what should happen, but if you choose to ignore it and go the other way your free to do so. You just have to pay the consequences, which perhaps you might not see at the time. Our actions have millions of repercussions many that don’t become apparent for a long time. If ever to you. But god knows there there. The darkness wants all it can get. The strongest of us can fall into the deepest cazhams of despair. Even more so for the void, it feeds of of everything negative. And everything comes full circle. Karma is a wonderful concept. What goes around comes around. Its as simple as that.

I see the flowers, they smile at me. They say “Hello, How are you?”  I simply reply: “I’m Me.”

A. Help #2

I’m making this as hard as possible on myself
(Friendly Chuckle) And hows that?
Its been less than a week, and I’ve already said we need to stay friends.
And whys that bad?
Its not, inherently bad, but, okay, you gotta see the way I usually go about getting over someone is bt finding someone else to put my efforts on, not a re-bound, but—
I’m sorry, I gotta stop you, that’s the definition of a re-bound.
No, its not if you mean it.
(Pause) So, who have you got?
That’s the problem. I don’t. Well, rather, I can’t.
Waitwaitwaitwait. You don’t or you can’t?
Both.
I’m confused
Well, you see, there is one person, but she’s currently seeing someone.
So you cant legitimately be with them?
Kinda, its really interesting, I mean, I can flirt with her and everything, but we can’t do anything other than that.
So she’s of the same mind?
Lets just say we have “unfinished business.”
Okay, your explaining.
Well, we kinda had a relationship before, but it couldn’t go anywhere because, well, frankly I gave up.
Why?
I was falling in love.
Then why did you stop it?
Because I was already in love.
(Realizing) Oh, god.
Yah, you see, now that I can’t be in love, shes getting more appealing,(Beat) and she sees it.
How does she feel?
Well, without knowing the entire situation, or us saying anything directly, shes (Pause) Much of the same mind (Beat)
So, what does this mean?
Nothing, like I said she’s in a good relationship. I’m not going to mess with that, I mean, I feel bad sometimes because of the flirting, but, like I said, I’m not going to mess with a good relationship, I’m not that selfish.
So your going to find someone else?
(Beat) I don’t know. There’s no one now, but, maybe, I’m not sure, I could either wait and see how this relationship works out then try that one again, or actively search for someone else.

Prose #4

Damn that that be the twilight hours. Where the moon controls everything and the sun sleeps. The hour in which the world rests, and you are left with nothing but yourself. Just you, Naked, exposed, and filed with your true essence. We are forced to have ourselves as company. We are forced to keep ourselves as company. We are forced into our own subconscious; artificial insemination of the mind, we see the calm, quiet around us and cannot fathom that everything is dead for this hour. Nothing. Nathan. There is no movement, hard as we search, hard as we try the world is truly empty. The sky is truly black, and we are, truly, alone.

Options

I’m not even sure its possible to dig a hole this deep. I can’t fathom the effort needed to carve out this chunk of earth, infinitesimally deep impossibly deep and filled with such horrors, I can’t speak of. I don’t know if its possible to loose everything, but I do believe I’m getting close. I can’t help it. I can’t stop it. It just flows and flows evermore, like a lake into a river, a river into an ocean too vast and wide to ever get out of. A waterfall too torrential to fall over. You just keep slipping faster and faster away, away from those you cherish, away from all you hold dear, away from those you love, and there’s no stopping it, no one can help, only you can pick yourself up from the catacombs of your psyche, find your way through the maze of your subconscious to the true and final end. What is the end?  That depends on what you want it to be, or, rather what you made it. For some the only true end is death. Your physical form is gone and, ipso facto you are. For others the end is love, once they fall in love then that’s all they care about anymore, and, if the love chooses to cease its presence, well, then you have to deal with the latter definitive end. I guess I would choose the former end. It leaves most of my options open, I can switch back to the latter whenever I wanted to. Whenever I wanted to.

A. Relapse?

Okay, big development.
What happened?
You know this other guy she’s turning into?
Yah?
He had a girlfriend.
Oh, so what’s the—oh (Pause) Had (Beat)

The Colours

I can see the world swirling around me, its beautiful colours, dancing through my hands. I can touch it. I can feel it. Smell it. Taste it. (Beat) But only for a moment, only for a second. Then its all gone. It might return. It might not. They say you can feel if you’ll be able to dance with the world again. (Beat) I feel. (Beat) I feel (Beat) nothing. Am I supposed to feel nothing? After such a joyous occasion, how can I feel nothing now? The cacophony of pleasure has ended, and, there is nothing left. I should be used to it by now. I saw the entirety of the world, and now I see the utter blackness of where earth was. They say you want what you cant have, which I think is true, but, (Beat) should you always keep yearning for that which refuses to come? If you don’t whats the point?

Me

I cant feel my  hands anymore. They go numb in the air as the world slowly fades to black. I cannot feel. I won’t feel. I must be strong. The world is frozen. A barren wasteland where I am the only one. Always. Forever. Over and over I reach out with the hands I cannot feel, the fingers, every one a barren wasteland. Ten thousand barren wastelands stand before me, flowing from my fingertips the death, the demons weaving their magic laughing as I stand. Resolute. Refusing to give in. refusing to feel the pain that surrounds every thought. Every word I refuse to speak. Every feeling I refuse to feel. Everything. Evermore. I refuse to give in. I refuse to back down. In the face of all I see, everything I feel, I know I am right. I see it in everything I see. I feel it in everything I feel. I know it. It is as the heart I once felt beating in my chest. It is. It has to be. Otherwise there would be no point. Truly. No  point left in this place. Nothing at all. So I stand. Resolute, with the walls crumbling around me. Again. The wasteland stretching out. Again. Refusing to give in to the mirage that just passed me by. The very fabric of my conscious. The flesh in my body. Screaming at me to walk towards the image that passed my eyes. I will not. I cannot. I refuse to let a single tear fall. I refuse to let a single pen hit paper. I refuse to let my heart get in the way of my most logical brain. I cannot. I must truly feel. Nothing. Its done, its over, I’ve said goodbye for the last time. I don’t know what to think, I don’t know how to feel. I wanna crawl into a hole and never come out again. I want to cry until I shrivel up and cannot produce tears. I want to scream at the heavens and earth for doing this to me, but I know I cant. I cant stop life. I cant shed a single tear. And in my heart I know its my fault. I’m too late. I just hope that shes right, and that she can make it true. I want to feel the water. I want to taste it. I want to breathe it. I want to become it. I want to be the water. Just. Free, you know? Just let my body float among the ocean, seeing everything. Feeling everything. Just being alive. I’m too tired of feeling nothing. What am I worth now? Broken. Dead. Gone. Truly, I am me. Finally. I am me. “I see the flowers, they smile at me. They say “Hello, How are you?”  I simply reply: “I’m Me.” and I finally mean it. I’m me.

End
the shadows on the wall
they call to me

the shadows on the wall
they whisper to me

I hear them in my ear
they talk to me

I see them in my eyes
they laugh at me

the demon in my mind
says he wants to be free

he says “your better dead”
he lies to me

you cannot run
you cannot hide

until you face
the demon inside

he clouds your thoughts
he gives you pain

theres no escape
from his reign

he holds you fast
he knows he’s strong

he has you right
where you belong

and he’ll be there
until you die

after all he is(he is)
the demon inside
the demon inside

and he will strike you
day and night.

He always keeps you
in his sight

waiting for the hope
to rear its cursed head

so that he
can finally put you to bed.

For after all
its the only way

for after all
you still have to pay

for after all
theres only one way

to beat the demon inside
to beat the demon inside

Fire wood in the trunk

been drying for three days,

rough on my hands

front-passenger seat open

“HUAH!” my friend shouts, as he jumps in ,

not fully closing the door,

he stands as we go thirty, fifty, sixty,

into the pasture,

a quick swerve and drift,

my seatbelt locks.

“Don’t let go!”

His hand on the door frame,

mine on the other

his ass skimming the grass,

fifty, sixty, stop.

I let go, fear coating my face

as is on his.

He gets up slowly, looking at his body,

checking everything still there

his face meets mine, staring through me.

An unexpected grin, from ear to ear.

“That was frikin’ awesome!”

Kelly. Hello, my name is Kelly, how are you, Daniel? (silence) Do you prefer Dan?

Dan. Fuck off.

Kelly. Excuse me?

Dan. I said: Fuck off.

Kelly. Very rude, don’t you think? (silence) I would prefer it if you didn’t swear in my presence, I find it undignified.

Dan. Oh, I’m sorry. I didn’t know. Now Fuck off.

Kelly. Why?

Dan, Because I don’t want to, nor need to be here.

Kelly. The court said you have at least a year with me, possibly more, and thats all at my discretion, so, are you going to be civil, or am I going to have to tell the judge that you need a few more months?

Dan. Fuck this.

Kelly. What did I say about language, young man?

Dan. Fuck. This.

Kelly. Would you like to go home? I get paid either way.

Dan. And that’s all you care about, right? Getting paid?

Kelly. No, I—

Dan. Bullshit. Don’t ever lie to me. I can see straight through you.

Kelly. I’m not.

Dan. Fine. Then what do you care about?

Kelly. Helping people.

Dan. Help yourself. I’ve got no need for it, thanks.

Kelly. But that’s not what others think.

Dan. Who?

Kelly. Your psychologist, the judge, your father—-

Dan. And? You think I care?

Kelly. No, but—-

Dan. I don’t care. Save your breath.

Kelly. I have you for the next one-and-a-half-hours. And you are going to stay right there until then. Okay?

Dan. No.

Kelly. Why not?

Dan. Because I don’t like to be ordered around. I’m seventeen. Can’t I make my own decisions?

Kelly. Not right now. Sit down.

Dan. No.

Kelly. Sit down.

Dan. No.

Kelly. Sit. Down.

Dan. N.O.

Kelly. Stand up.

Dan. I am standing up.

Kelly. Stand up taller.

Dan. No.

Kelly. Why not?

Dan. I’m rebelling.

Kelly. Against what

Dan. Society. Parents. Government. You name it.

Kelly. Yourself.

Dan. Screw that.

Kelly. Not yourself?

Dan. no.

Kelly. How are we feeling today? (DAN says nothing) Tired? Stressed? Anything?

Dan. I don’t want to talk.

Kelly. Why not?

Dan. Because.

Kelly. Because why?

Dan. Because I said so!

Kelly. There’s no reason to shout.

Dan. Too Fucking Bad!

Kelly. What have I told you about language?

Dan. Fuck.

Kelly. Really?

Dan. Shit.

Kelly. Stop it.

Dan. Ass.

Kelly. Now See here!

Dan. Cunt.

Kelly. Cut It out!

Dan. Crap. (KELLY does not respond. DAN is taken aback) Hell. FUCK! (DAN Sits Resignedly back onto his chair)

Kelly. Are you finished?

Dan. Yes.

Kelly. Good. Can we continue.

Dan. Yes.

Kelly. Good. Now, Why do you \feel the need to burst out like that every day?

Dan. Because I want to express my displeasure.

Kelly. Why do you need to express it? I obviously know it already.

Dan. I make sure you don’t forget.

Kelly. I promise you I wont. Now, can we agree on no more of these interruptions?

Dan. No.

Kelly. Why not?

Dan. Because. I don’t want to be here.

Kelly. But you need to be here. Court and psychologist mandated.

Dan. Screw them. I don’t need to be here.

Kelly. Even so, the city pays me to have you every two days for and hour and a half.

Dan. Screw the city.

Kelly. So your a Republican?

Dan. What?

Kelly. Johnson’s a Democrat.

Dan. And how does that make me a Republican?

Kelly. I gathered you don’t like the current administration.

Dan. No, I don’t But that doesn’t make me a Right Wing Bastard. Like all true Americans: I’m a moderate.

Kelly. Well put.

Dan. What are you?

Kelly. (smiling) I’m a true Right Wing Bastard.

Dan. Liberal. (KELLY Smiles)

Kelly. You see? Why do we always have to fight?

Dan. Because. I don’t want to be here.

Kelly. But your stuck here. So why don’t you make the best of it?

Dan. Because. I don’t like it.

Kelly. Don’t like what?

Dan. People telling me what to do.

Kelly. So? Everyone has to deal with it.

Dan. Why?

Kelly. Because everyone does. Your always going to have someone breathing down your neck. Weather it be your parents, your boss, society, everyone is out to get you.

Dan. So why do it?

Kelly. Do what?

Dan. Live.

Kelly. Because—what use is living without life?

Dan. So you believe in an afterlife.

Kelly. Yes.

Dan. I don’t personally. Wen we die, I just hope we die, you know, \just stop living.

Kelly. Why?

Dan. Because, who really wants to spend eternity with god? Or constantly being re-incarnated as a “lesser life form” kinda tedious, dontcha think?

Kelly. Its something to look forward to.

Dan. So’s nothing. After all his living, wouldn’t it be good to not? (KELLY stares at DAN in sudden realization)

Kelly. Why’d you do it?

Dan. I Saw the world.

Curtain.

Kelly. How do you feel today?

Dan. Not good.

Kelly Why not?

Dan. I feel ill.

Kelly. You shouldn’t be walking outside without a coat on.

Dan. Are you my mother now?

Kelly. No, but I do act as a voice of reason.

Dan. Don’t I have my Constance for that?

Kelly. Do you?

Dan. I like to think I do.

Kelly. I like to think that mine would keep me from attempting suicide.

Dan. Obviously mine does not.

Kelly. And thats why your here.

Dan. No. I’m here because the state mandates im here. Not because I want to be here.

Kelly. But you need to be here.

Dan. I tried to kill myself, so what?

Kelly. Your so nonchalant about it!

Dan. People do it, and succeed, everyday.

Kelly. No one wants anyone to die.

Dan. No. There are people who want other people dead.

Kelly. Not here.

Dan. Yes.

Kelly. No one that wants you dead.

Dan. Not true.

Kelly. Who wants you dead?

Dan. My mom.

Kelly. She does not.

Dan. She does.

Kelly. No, IM sur—

Dan. Do you know my mother.

Kelly. No, but—

Dan. You don’t know my mother. You cant say anything about her until you know her.

Kelly. But I’m sure she doesn’t want you dead.

Dan. Really?

Kelly. Yes.

Dan. Bullshit. You don’t know her. You don’t know anything about her. Let alone me.

Kelly. That may be, but still—

Dan. No. You. Don’t. Know. Her.

Kelly. But why would she want to kill you?

Dan. Ask the bitch yourself.

Kelly. No. I’m asking you.

Dan. You think I fucking know?

Kelly. Do you?

Dan. Like I said, you gotta ask her yourself. I have no goddamn clue. All I can go on is what I see. And even then its only a guess.

Kelly. What do you see.

Dan. I see a bitch. She only cares about herself. That’s it. I fucking hate her. I think she sees me as a nuisance. All I do is keep her from dad., she doesn’t like that.

Kelly. Why not?

Dan. Cuz all she wants is money. She’s either out shopping, or fucking dad. Its one of the two.

Kelly. Why does she have a vendetta against you though?

Dan. Because.

Kelly. Because why?

Dan. Because he still has to be a father to me. He made it clear when they married that no matter what I came first. She still hasn’t grasped that simple premise. Or she has, but refuses to listen. That would be just like her. Refusing the logical. Discounting fact.

Kelly. You must not like that.

Dan. Fuck No.

Kelly. So, she’s trying to steal him from you?

Dan. Maybe. I don’t know. All I know is that if she had a choice, I wouldn’t be here.

Kelly. Do you want to be here?

Dan. Not with her.

Kelly. Does she abuse you?

Dan. Define “abuse.”

Kelly. Physically?

Dan. No.

Kelly. Emotionally?

Dan. No.

Kelly. Then she doesn’t abuse you.

Dan. And?

Kelly. That’s it. Unless you want to tell me why you are so guarded.

Dan. No.

Kelly. Why not?

Dan. I don’t want to talk.

Kelly. We don’t, if you don’t want to, our time is almost up anyway.

Dan. Good.

(they sit in silence for a few minutes then suddenly)

Why did you choose this?

Kelly. Excuse me?

Why did you choose to be a therapist, of all profession—-sorry. My dad’s here.(he promptly walks out he door)

Curtain

Dan. Why am I still seeing you?

Kelly. Because. They think you need to.

Dan. Why do they think I need to?

Kelly. Because, the deal was one year.

Dan. What if one year is too long?

Kelly. Then its too long. Your going to have to deal with it.

Dan. But I don’t want to.

Kelly. too bad. (DAN does not respond, KELLY peers at DAN while he slowly draws from his pocket a small coin and starts twirling it around his fingers)Why are you doing that?

Dan. Why not?

Kelly. It’s distracting.

Dan. Not to me.

Kelly. It is to me. This is My office, what I say goes. Put it away. (DAN does not.)

Put. It. Away. (Dan stares at the coin in silence for a moment then puts it away.)thank you. Now, how do you feel today? (Dan does not respond) Anything? Anything at all? (DAN does not move) am I just wasting my time? (DAN does nothing, while KELLY stares him down.)

Dan. (Suddenly) no.

Kelly. Excuse me?

Dan. no.

Kelly. What?

Dan. No.

Kelly. No what?

Dan. Just no.

Kelly. Why?

Dan. No.

Kelly. Why?

Dan. No.

Kelly. What’s going on?

Dan. No.

Kelly. Yes.

Dan. No.

Kelly. No?

Dan. No.

Kelly. No.

Dan. No. (they stare at each other in silence for a moment, then:)

Kelly. Why cant I get you to tell me anything flat out? Why is it always a struggle?

Dan. Because. It’s more entertaining this way.

Kelly Entertaining!

Dan. Yes.

Kelly. This is Entertaining for you?! Making anther’s life is hard as possible?!

Dan. Yes.

Kelly. Why?!

Dan. Yes.

Kelly. What?

Dan. Yes.

Kelly. Yes Fucking what?!

Dan. Just yes.

Kelly. Just Yes!?

Dan. Yes.

Kelly. Yes!

Dan. Yes.

Kelly YES!?

Dan. Yes.

Curtain.

Kelly. I’m at my wit’s end about this boy. I don’t know what to do, there’s no way I am going to be able to get through another session with him. He knows everything to do tho make my life hard. I honestly don’t think I can survive this. I know I can’t survive this. Should I transfer him to another therapist, have him get a second neurophych? Would it do any good? Should I just send him to the asylum? Is he really that much of a threat? Is he?

Curtian.

 He walked into the small room. It was comfortably furnished, although dimly lighted, but at the same time almost cozy. This was because, even though the entire structure was meant to be welcoming, it still maintained that sense of sterility. He knew he only saw the front portion, and suspected that the faux wall with the small hole lead into the back room, and perhaps even the bowels, where the real work happens. This is all a facade. The lights, the foyer, everything. Just trying to make us feel better about events occurring. “Whatever.” He thought in passing, “Seems fitting.” He walked slowly to an empty seat. He watched others pass by, some stoic, some weeping, some, some, well nothing at all. He barely thought about it. He expected it. It was to be expected. Just like the small rectangular podium in the front of the oblong room. Just like the fuchsia carpeting and drapes. Just like the men and women, and children sitting all around him. Some crying, some stoic, and some nothing. Nothing at all. All knew the day will be over, most looked forward to it. He was not if that ilk. He was of the belief that the world should have stopped two weeks previous. Not move backwards, just stop. When everything was nice and peaceful. He knows it cant happen. Doesn’t stop the want though. He knows it full well. So he puts it out of his mind. Thinking of such things is not good, especially at this point. Not now. He’ll let himself later. As soon as hes out of the doors, he’ll drive home thinking about the events that just occurred. He’ll climb into bed thinking about the events of the day, and then, perhaps, he will let himself reflect upon his position in all this. What his purpose is. What he needs to do. What he wants to do. What is attainable. What isn’t. He’ll start to shake, slowly, then faster, then he’ll remember the look on his beat friends face the last time he saw it. Two weeks ago. Then back to the days events, the small rectangular podium. The flowers in vases flanking each side of a small urn. The remnants of his life. He’ll start to sob at that point, slowly, at first, but growing in pitch and stridency until he could no longer hod it. He will burst forth at this point. Completely. And truly become who he is. Who he is.

I cant feel my hands anymore. They go numb in the air as the world slowly fades to black. I cannot feel. I won’t feel. I must be strong. The world is frozen. A barren wasteland where I am the only one. Always. Forever. Over and over I reach out with the hands I cannot feel, the fingers, every one a barren wasteland. Ten thousand barren wastelands stand before me, flowing from my fingertips the death, the demons weaving their magic laughing as I stand. Resolute. Refusing to give in. refusing to feel the pain that surrounds every thought. Every word I refuse to speak. Every feeling I refuse to feel. Everything. Evermore. I refuse to give in. I refuse to back down. In the face of all I see, everything I feel, I know I am right. I see it in everything I see. I feel it in everything I feel. I know it. It is as the heart I once felt beating in my chest. It is. It has to be. Otherwise there would be no point. Truly. No point left in this place. Nothing at all. So I stand. Resolute, with the walls crumbling around me. Again. The wasteland stretching out. Again. Refusing to give in to the mirage that just passed me by. The very fabric of my conscious. The flesh in my body. Screaming at me to walk towards the image that passed my eyes. I will not. I cannot. I refuse to let a single tear fall. I refuse to let a single pen hit paper. I refuse to let my heart get in the way of my most logical brain. I cannot. I must truly feel. Nothing. Its done, its over, I’ve said goodbye for the last time. I don’t know what to think, I don’t know how to feel. I wanna crawl into a hole and never come out again. I want to cry until I shrivel up and cannot produce tears. I want to scream at the heavens and earth for doing this to me, but I know I cant. I cant stop life. I cant shed a single tear. And in my heart I know its my fault. I’m too late. I just hope that shes right, and that she can make it true. I want to feel the water. I want to taste it. I want to breathe it. I want to become it. I want to be the water. Just. Free, you know? Just let my body float among the ocean, seeing everything. Feeling everything. Just being alive. I’m too tired of feeling nothing. What am I worth now? Broken. Dead. Gone. Truly, I am me. Finally. I am me. “I see the flowers, they smile at me. They say “Hello, How are you?” I simply reply: “I’m Me.” and I finally mean it. I’m me.

I cant feel my hands anymore. They go numb in the air as the world slowly fades to black. I cannot feel. I won’t feel. I must be strong. The world is frozen. A barren wasteland where I am the only one. Always. Forever. Over and over I reach out with the hands I cannot feel, the fingers, every one a barren wasteland. Ten thousand barren wastelands stand before me, flowing from my fingertips the death, the demons weaving their magic laughing as I stand. Resolute. Refusing to give in. refusing to feel the pain that surrounds every thought. Every word I refuse to speak. Every feeling I refuse to feel. Everything. Evermore. I refuse to give in. I refuse to back down. In the face of all I see, everything I feel, I know I am right. I see it in everything I see. I feel it in everything I feel. I know it. It is as the heart I once felt beating in my chest. It is. It has to be. Otherwise there would be no point. Truly. No point left in this place. Nothing at all. So I stand. Resolute, with the walls crumbling around me. Again. The wasteland stretching out. Again. Refusing to give in to the mirage that just passed me by. The very fabric of my conscious. The flesh in my body. Screaming at me to walk towards the image that passed my eyes. I will not. I cannot. I refuse to let a single tear fall. I refuse to let a single pen hit paper. I refuse to let my heart get in the way of my most logical brain. I cannot. I must truly feel. Nothing.  

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